Friday, January 27, 2006

A cheating boyfriend caught - now what?

Hi Ashley,

First of all I love your blog, I think it's a great idea and I think you have given out some great advice. I almost feel funny about asking your advice on this since I'm considerably older than you, but here goes: my question to you is this: I have been dating this great guy for a while now, almost 3 years (lets call him Frank), we live together and we have even been playing around with the idea of getting married.

Frank and I have always been honest to each other, I have always assumed we were faithful until I recently discovered a memo on his desk that read, 'Call M*** - dinner Friday night, 9'. I thought that was rather odd considering he was supposed to be out of town on Friday to go to some conference in ****, or at least thats what he told me. (Ashley side note: She gave the real name of the female 'Frank' was to meet so I will refer to her as 'M' for the rest of this post). When Frank came home that night I immediately asked him who M was and why he was meeting up with her considering he told me he was going to be out of town.

At first he got angry for me and accused me of snooping, then he calmed down and explained to me that he just found out the other day that the conference was pushed to another date and M was a business associate of his. I didn't believe him and as I continued to push the subject he finally admitted to me that him and M were in fact sleeping together but it was only a one time thing. He loved me and felt guilty so he was going to call things off on Friday thats what the memo was about. He told me he was stupid, that it would never happen again and that he loved me.

What do I do? I love Frank, I want to believe him when he says it was a one time thing and that it'll never happen again but this nagging voice in the back of my mind won't let it go. Do I give him another chance or do I move on?

Thanks for taking the time to read this,


My advice to you: Dump his ass and never look back.

A 'one time thing'? BULLSHIT! He lied to you, right to your face with those 3 little words. A one time thing means he got drunk, fucked around and that was it. Continually sleeping with someone, sneaking behind your partner's back and making secret dates are not indicators of a "one time thing". This has obviously been going on for a while now, I gaurentee he had no intention of ending the relationship - you just caught him. The fact that he even tried to turn the tables on you and accused you of being the bad guy snooping around and not trusting him makes me think this guy is a total sleaze.

Do you honestly think he would have told you about the relationship if you hadn't of confronted him? How do you know that he was going to dinner that night to break up with her? Wasn't it rather convenient of him to break up with his mistress the night that you confronted him about it?

When we really love someone and they disappoint us we constantly tell ourselves that they are not a bad person, they just made a bad choice - then we remember all the good times we had together and think to ourselves, "You know - he really is a good guy, he just messed up" and thats what brings us back to ground 0. And when they do it the next time, (in 65% of all male adulterous cases they do cheat again) we use this same rationale to excuse their behaviour. Before long the cheating spouse realizes that they can cheat get away with it and suddenly they aren't so cautious about their extramartial relationships. They even stop making excuses and just come and go as they please.

Not only is cheating hurtful, it can be dangerous. What if Frank hasn't been using a condom with this woman and she has HIV? What if he contracts the disease and passes it onto you? He has no regard for your feelings OR your health! With the rise of the HIV/AIDS epidemic in North America (especially amongst females ages 15-24) who knows what he could be bringing home with him! Just look at the figures!

Do you love him enough to risk your own health? I'm not trying to scare you, I'm trying to inform you about the dangers that can rise from adultery.

I know its hard, I know its a horrible thing to experience - having the person you love cheat on you but honey, you are worth more than that. You are are a human being, not an after-thought. You should never be taken for granted, and you should not stay with someone who has 0 regard for your feelings or your health. Kick his ass to the curb.

Best of luck,


At 1:03 PM, Blogger Canadian Women's Blogs said...

awesome post! My answer to her is this. You will forever have a nagging voice in your head. It will never go away. Once the trust is broken it can never be regained on an issue such as this one. If he respected you enough he would never have pulled his pants down. Then there is the issue of taking him back after that. I think that once the cheaters get away with it once then who knows when it will happen again.

At 1:50 PM, Blogger Ashley said...

Exactly - whenever he goes out now she's always going to be wondering if he's where he says he is. Its a horrible thing to not trust someone, especially when you're in a relationship with them.

At 9:34 PM, Blogger B said...

prior to this did she have any indication of an affair? any strange behavior? i mean they live together - you'd notice if he came home and showered at an unusual time or was having weird phone calls. but then again if he always had the option of using traveling for work it might have been easier to hide.

was the only indication a note?

a note that he purposefully left out where it could be noticed. bit odd for someone so keen on hiding an affair. makes me think he wanted it to be seen.

just my 2 cents.

ultimately only they will know what is best for them.

At 12:10 AM, Blogger Ashley said...

She didn't specify where exactly on his desk she found the note - she could have been cleaning up and found it or maybe he was just careless leaving it out in the open.

But you're right, I wonder if there was any prior indication to him cheating on her - coming home late at night, taking showers, changing his clothes when coming home from whatever. Always a good indicator that something isn't right.

At 12:25 AM, Blogger B said...

the going out of town on business trick might have covered up his affair(s) though too. when you cheat on home turf there is always clean up and hiding evidence... on the road it's easier, no one but yourself to lie to.

but even then, there is always some suspicious activities that seems odd - telephone calls maybe - people act differently when they are nervous about getting caught or slipping up in a lie. signs are always there... we just may not see them.

i hope your readers follow up with you later on to give updates. i'm so nosy damn it.

At 10:46 AM, Blogger bethlittle said...

good advice. cheaters are ALWAYS cheaters.

At 7:08 AM, Blogger Love but Hate said...

Had the opportunity to visit your blog - I found it's very interesting. Nice job... way to go.

Signs of a Cheating Partner


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