Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Random Relationship Questions

I've had a number of emails asking generic relationship questions so instead of dedicating a post to each question I'll answer them all in this one post. (Mainly because most of them were one-liners so they don't require me to go into much depth)

1. How long should I wait to go back into the dating scene after a break-up?
Whenever you feel the most comfortable. Most of us have this crazy idea that the only way to get over a relationship is by jumping into a new one. The idea of being alone scares us so we assume that finding someone new and fast is an easy solution. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! Listen Jennifer Aniston wanna-be's, rebound relationships never end on a good note. When the "break up goggles" come off (and believe me, it will happen) what are we left with? Someone we don't even know, someone we probably wouldn't have taken a second glance at, someone that seemed like a good idea at the time and now someone we have to get rid of. Rebound relationships always end up with someone being hurt - so don't take that route.

Break-up grieving is a natural process, let it run its course. Whether it means waiting a month, 2 months or even a YEAR make sure you are fully ready to head back into the dating scene. When you know that you're not going to shack up with the first person who pays you even the slightest bit of attention - You're ready.

2. When is it the appropriate time to say, "I love you" in a relationship?
After they sign the pre-nup.

Kidding. Seriously though, there is no time frame in which to tell someone that you love them. You say it when you truly mean it. The word "love" has been thrown around so loosely it's almost lost all meaning, which is unfortunate. I myself have never told a single guy that I've dated that I "loved him" and I'm talking relationships that have been close to 2 years! You can really really really like someone or really really really be in lust with somone but Love-Lust-and-Like are three entirely different concepts.

I think the only appropriate time to say "I love you" to that special someone in your life is when you truly mean it and know the difference between the 3 L's.

3. Is it appropriate to date my best friend's brother? Even if she approves?

Ask yourself this, "Whats more important to me? My relationship with my best friend or a relationship with her brother?" and if you answer the latter then maybe you're not the best of friends you thought you were.

Dating a best friend's brother can only lead to one thing:

What happens if the relationship fails? What if he breaks your heart and you can't stand to be near him after the storm is over? Your friend, though she may love you to death may very well take her brother's side in the whole situation and where are you left? What if you break his heart? Do you think your friend is going to want to be near you after you crushed her brother?

Probably not.

Who knows though, maybe things will work out - but if they don't are you willing to lose a great friendship over that? If you're willing - then go for it. If not, then don't risk it.

4. Should I date a friend's ex?
That depends, do you usually enjoy other people's leftovers?

Its a harsh thing to say, but its true. Imagine your buddy breaks up with his girlfriend - then you hook up with her sometime down the road. Always in the back of your mind you're going to remember where's she been - and that's not always a good thing.

I remember a while back a guy friend of mine started dating the ex of his other friend. Things were going great until he kept asking her if he was better in bed than the other friend, if he was "better equipped" than the other friend etc. Its natural curiosity and maybe even jealousy if the two still talk that can kill a friend-to-friend relationship.

There are plenty of other fish in the sea - take a swim.

5. Where's a good place to go for a first date?
First lets eliminate Bad Places to take a first date:
1. The movies (How are you going to get to know each other?)
2. Dinner (Nobody that I know is 100% comfortable eating in front of a virtual stranger)
3. Your parents (Too soon - too Norman Bates)
4. Any convention that contains the words "Star" or "Trek" in them (Unless you're Patrick Stewart)
5. The beach (Unless you're both comfortable in a bathing suit which most people are not)
6. A Bar (That's a place to meet people and plan for a first date - not an actual location for a first date. Plus its too loud, you really want to yell your astrological sign over 50 Cent?)

I've always found the perfect places for the first date to be the following:
1. Coffee - its quite, its quaint, you can really get to know someone and its a comfortable atmosphere. Most coffee houses have some nice ambient music playing, people aren't generally screaming and shouting like most bars and the couches can be pretty cushy.

2. Mini Golf - one of the best first dates I ever had was at a mini golf course. I suck at mini golf but so did he - it was a lot of fun and we both had a great time. You may look like an idiot trying to get that damn ball into that hole but believe me, you'll both look like idiots - so that eases some of the tension.

3. Star gazing - cheesy, but true. Go out at dusk, go somewhere (if possible) where you can see the stars, share a bottle of wine and just talk. Sometimes the great outdoors put us at ease and the fresh air can really compliment an interesting conversation.

Those are just a few answers for now, but I'll have more questions like these posted another time.


At 6:12 PM, Blogger All about Golf said...

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At 8:01 AM, Blogger mommallama said...

I completely agree with your 3L's concept! I think that is where most humans get lost..."oh I thought I loved you but I guess I didn't"...that kind of crap. I am 48 and it was a long road to getting to know me well enough to recognize the differences I think I was like 33. Now I share that info as often as I can. Keep up the good work, I will visit again!


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